The Case for Less Happiness
What philosophy, psychology, and ageing teach us about true contentment
I spent my childhood and teenage years being reminded, a lot, to chase academic achievement, be proper, be polite, and above all, be a good girl.
The unspoken rule? Don’t make waves. You’re already quite the handful.
Happiness wasn’t part of the conversation. It wasn’t something to pursue. Success, discipline, and responsibility? Absolutely. But happiness? Not so much.
Then, at some point after university, as I stepped into my first jobs and adult relationships, happiness crept into the achievement narrative. It was no longer enough to be accomplished. I was also supposed to be happy. That’s the way things are supposed to be.
The way I understood it then was that once I had achieved those things you’re supposed to do as a young adult, I would be happy. Accomplished seemed to mean: get a job, find a decent boyfriend, get married, buy a nice house. Something like that.
This narrative never worked for me. I aced anything academic. I’m one of those people. But life? I have hated most of the jobs I’ve had, I was bad at a few, doing okay at others, but I was mostly miserable. For about twenty years. That’s a long time to be that miserable and do nothing about it.
I’ve had a couple of long term relationships but, turns out I’m much better flying solo. I love it and I own it. Also, as my mother once remarked: “When am I getting grand children?” Well, never. I’ve never wanted to have a family. Not once in my young adult life, or later, have I contemplated having children. There are valid reasons, rational ones, for that. More on that topic some other time. I like people, but I like them even better not right next to me 24/7. I’m an introvert and I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for close human exchanges.
The problem, beyond the fact that I sucked at following the script I was handed? Happiness was a vague notion. It was presented as something to acquire, somehow. It was all those things I mentioned, but also something else, something elusive.
And despite being held up as life’s ultimate goal, it seemed quite unattainable.
Yet, if I failed to be happy, that failure was entirely mine.
So I spent my thirties clinically depressed. A whole decade during which I was passively suicidal. It’s a funny one that. You want to die but you’re not actively trying. You just slowly fade and decline, never hitting rock bottom. You hover in the depth of your misery but you never have the urge to kick yourself back up to the surface.
One does get used to misery. You sort of know where it begins and where it ends. The space between those two lines becomes your comfort zone.
Imagine that for a minute.
The Paradox of Chasing Happiness
We are constantly told that happiness is the point of it all. Books, social media, and self-improvement gurus reinforce the idea that we should make it our primary focus. But what if the relentless pursuit of happiness is precisely the one thing ruining our lives?
As long as we feel empty, we need a refill, and that costs us all of our attention, time, and money.
Psychological research suggests exactly that. The more we prioritise happiness, the more we set ourselves up for disappointment. Psychologist Iris Mauss1 found that those who place a high value on happiness often experience greater feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction. Why? Because the more we expect to be happy, the more we notice when we’re not.
Then, there’s the distinction between hedonic and eudaimonic happiness. Hedonic happiness is pleasure-based: seeking comfort, enjoyment, and positive experiences. Eudaimonic happiness, on the other hand, is about meaning, growth, and purpose. Research by Ryan and Deci (2001)2 suggests that long-term life satisfaction is far more connected to meaning than to momentary pleasure.
Yet, our modern world encourages us to prioritise the quick hit of hedonic happiness: the dopamine rush of a like, the thrill of a purchase, the constant stimulation of entertainment. But they never quite fill the void, and that’s the whole point. As long as we feel empty, we need a refill, and that costs us all of our attention, time, and money.
We’re conditioned to equate happiness with excitement, novelty, and success. But real fulfilment comes from something deeper: resilience, presence, and an appreciation of life as it is.
Why Happiness Isn’t the Goal
Stoicism: Resilience Over Happiness
The Stoics never saw happiness as a goal in itself. Instead, they valued virtue, wisdom, and self-mastery. Marcus Aurelius, in Meditations3, argued that peace of mind comes from controlling our perceptions, not from chasing pleasure. By learning to endure discomfort and accept life’s uncertainties, we free ourselves from the need to constantly feel happy.
Buddhism & Zen: Happiness as a Byproduct
Buddhist and Zen teachings also reject the idea of happiness as a pursuit. The more we crave happiness, the more we reinforce the belief that we lack it. True contentment comes not from acquiring more but from being present in the moment, detached from the endless cycle of wanting.
Existentialism: Meaning Over Pleasure
Viktor Frankl, in Man’s Search for Meaning4, wrote that those who find meaning in suffering are often more resilient than those who seek comfort. Existentialist thinkers like Sartre and Camus suggested that instead of searching for happiness, we should seek depth, purpose, and authentic engagement with life and with those around us.
The Escape from Unhappiness
When happiness is framed as something we must constantly strive for, many of us turn to escapism. We binge-watch, doomscroll, overeat, overwork, or drown ourselves in distractions. The paradox is that in trying to avoid discomfort, we actually deepen our discontent. True contentment isn’t found in running away, it’s found in facing life as it is, even the messy parts. Especially the messy parts.
The Pro-Ageing Perspective: A Shift from Happiness to Meaning
As we age, what brings us fulfilment naturally changes. Socioemotional Selectivity Theory, developed by psychologist Laura Carstensen5, suggests that older adults shift away from novelty and excitement toward meaningful relationships, small joys, and inner contentment.
This explains why, despite experiencing fewer emotional highs, older people often report greater life satisfaction. They no longer buy into the illusion that happiness exists just beyond the next goalpost. Instead, they recognise that fulfilment is already present in the small moments of everyday life.
Happiness, as traditionally defined, may not be the most important goal in midlife and beyond. What matters more is resilience, gratitude, and the ability to appreciate life’s subtleties.
A New Approach to Happiness
If the pursuit of happiness is flawed, what is the alternative? Cultivate contentment and meaning, without falling into the happiness trap.
The SPIRE Model for Well-Being
Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar’s SPIRE model6 offers a more balanced, holistic way to approach well-being, moving beyond the pursuit of happiness:
Spiritual – Cultivate meaning and purpose through reflection, mindfulness, or practices that connect you to something greater than yourself.
Physical – Prioritise sleep, movement, and nutrition as foundations for resilience rather than just as a means to ‘feel good.’
Intellectual – Stay engaged in lifelong learning. Read, explore, and seek out challenging ideas that stimulate your mind.
Relational – Invest in deep, meaningful connections rather than just expanding your social circle.
Emotional – Develop resilience by embracing the full range of emotions rather than chasing constant positivity.
Next Steps
1. Reframe happiness as a byproduct, not a goal
Instead of asking, “Am I happy?”, try, “Am I engaged, growing, or present?”
Shift from pleasure-seeking to curiosity-seeking: focus on learning, connection, and contribution.
2. Practise voluntary discomfort (The Stoic Method)
Do one small uncomfortable thing daily (exercise even if you don’t feel like it, take that cold shower, leave your phone at home when you go for a walk, fast, sit in silence).
Learn to detach from the idea that comfort = happiness.
3. Daily micro-joy practice
Write down three small joys each day (e.g., a warm cup of tea, a kind text you received, that bird singing in the tree right outside your window).
Train your brain to notice small moments instead of chasing ‘bigger’ happiness.
4. Shift from 'happiness' to 'meaning'
Ask: What is one thing I can do today that contributes to something bigger than myself?
5. The "Let It Be" mindset
Prioritise depth in relationships, work, and experiences over short-term enjoyment.
Accept emotions, welcome them as they are, instead of resisting them.
When feeling restless or anxious, ask: What is this teaching me? instead of How do I get rid of this feeling?
The Secret to Happiness
Happiness, as we’ve been taught to pursue it, is an illusion. The more we chase it, the more elusive it becomes. Instead of obsessing over happiness, we should cultivate resilience, presence, and meaning.
True contentment isn’t found in the highs. It hides in the quiet moments, the small joys, and the ability to sit with all of life’s emotions without needing them to be anything else.
The secret to happiness? It’s not wanting so much of it in the first place.
Can Seeking Happiness Make People Happy? Paradoxical Effects of Valuing Happiness, Iris Mauss, Emotion, 2011.
On happiness and human potentials: A review of research on hedonic and eudaimonic well-being, Ryan and Deci, Annual Review of Psychology, 2001.
Meditations, Marcus Aurelius, 170–180 AD.
Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl, 1946.
Socioemotional Selectivity Theory, developed by psychologist Laura Carstensen.
Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar’s SPIRE model (video - start at 3:24 min. for Dr. Ben-Shahar’s definition of happiness):